Candice with an I
29 November 2014 @ 10:35 pm
Sometimes I feel like I forget how to write.

I spent two years writing in a journal every day. I used to update LJ at least five times a week. I used to be able to crank out a 2000 word one shot fan fic in an evening, giving myself a full twenty-four hours to proof it and second-guess myself before posting it.

And now, sometimes, words fail me. I don't know how to describe something that I've gone over in my head ten times during the course of my day, when all I want to do is sit down and commit it to paper or Word or a post.

Part of it is because of how the nature of online talk/writing's changed. We're more image/quick text driven. Something has to be quick and snappy or long and rage-filled for it to really hit if it's written, and I hate that. I hate wanting to really get down to something emotional in my own life, only for it to be drowned out.

I've taken leave from Tumblr and Twitter for most of the past week because of current events. I've wanted to write something about that to explain why, even though I'm ultimately not that important in the scheme of the internet or fandom or whatever for people to miss me enough or to notice. Like, who cares? I have gone days just reblogging dog photos on Tumblr and retweeting blithe things and never talking about anything substantial.

People who know me only from Twitter or Tumblr and through my Captain America or Corgi squee don't know about my anxiety diagnosis, at least in part because I don't talk about it because I don't want to burden anyone. They don't know that I spend inordinate amounts of time in my head and trying to figure out if I'm failing at being a woman, at being black American, at being an adult. They don't know me as well as people who've known me since I've been supersyncspaz7 or whatever pre @chaoticgirlie or viewparadise username you've come to know me under.

The thing of it is this: more and more, I feel like Tumblr is this field of mines I have to navigate through. I struggle constantly with this idea of being a socially responsible person, of going back and forth of whether or not I am obligated to subject myself to viewing of every single atrocity that comes across my dash and trying to muster the energy to block it because it makes me feel off-kilter and crazy and like maybe, maybe I should stop trying because the odds are so deeply stacked against me and the whole world is against me and all of us.

And that's not what I'm there for, you know? I am there for immersing myself in the things that make me feel like life is worth it. Superhero stuff. 90s nostalgia. Good news about the world. Ten thousand freaking dog blogs. Everyone is free to use media in the way they want, and I am not going to condone anyone for doing what they damn want, but sometimes you have to get to the point in which you have to decide what is best for you, and this break for me has brought me to that.

Thing About Me Worth Knowing: I am a sentimental idiot. This is at least part of the reason why I haven't changed my LJ handle in all the years I've been on the site. (The only reason [personal profile] enamoured is my DW name is because it wasn't taken, and as much as I love my LJ name, I wanted something different.) I can't quite bring myself to delete my Tumblr, as there's thousands of posts and six years attached to that name--and, okay, I'm greedy too, and want to keep that screen name.

But I've got to change something about my relationship with the site. I'm going to have to either block or stop following some people who I care about and really like so that I won't feel hopeless or angry or just inadequate following them. I'm trying to compartmentalize and sort and figure out how to best deal with this, because I've felt more relieved in the days during this hiatus than I have in, well, a while. I've still had the work and real life problems getting on me, but I haven't felt the need to go to my dashboard seeking some relief only to find the latest in Oh God, Everything is Awful.

I don't know. I'm trying--always trying--to be a better person and to do what is best for me. I don't know how to always get both of those things working at the same time.

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Current Mood: thoughtful
 
 
Candice with an I
26 September 2014 @ 02:47 pm
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Candice with an I
22 September 2014 @ 09:21 pm
I have something (that I think is) neat that I will talk about soon!

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Current Mood: okay
 
 
Candice with an I
16 August 2014 @ 10:36 pm
So, sometime about thirteen years ago today I created an LJ account with a name that was so nonsensical that I couldn't fathom actually using it more than once. While there's other online aliases that I have, supersyncspaz7 has been the longest-running one. "super" was because it was my favorite adjective at the time (I think I even made a message board account called "Super Pickle"--what board, I don't even remember), "sync" because *NSYNC was on my mind most of that summer, "spaz" (I had no idea that in other places this is considered an offensive word) because somehow, that became a nickname a friend gave me, and "7" just to round it out and because it's my favorite number.

Anyway.

Things have not been pleasant for me lately. I mean, it's been okay, but let me try to consolidate the crap in one go:

The Store got remodeled, and our not-so new store director has been cutting hours left and right, resulting in footwear being trashed to hell and back for about two months straight. We lost four people to quitting and firing back in April, and we've had about five people quit since then; the department roster is down to about thirteen and may be ten by the end of next week, which is so not enough people to maintain the department at all.

Basically, my job sucks, I can't get another one, and I want to fling myself into oncoming traffic.Collapse )

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Current Mood: depressed
 
 
Candice with an I
18 July 2014 @ 10:19 pm
Two weeks until Guardians of the Galaxy, one (one?!) 'til Comic-Con. I got the preview issue of Entertainment Weekly and OH GOD WHY IS IT NOT MAY 2015 YET. There are, thus far, only two movies I want to see at the theater right now without having to wait, and they are Age of Ultron and the Peanuts movie.

I mean, there's probably more, but I can't think of them right now.

This week, I've been on vacation. I haven't done everything that I wanted to do (go to an area museum every day, for example), but I did get to go to the writer's workshop and I also did finally make it to the Sixth Floor Museum on Monday.

I've lived in the area for years and hadn't gone over there before, and it was definitely an experience. FYI, if you ever go: on Mondays, the museum opens at noon, and if you go across the street, you can purchase tickets at the museum store and cafe; otherwise, you have to wait in line for about fifteen plus minutes to go in. You can't take pictures on the sixth floor itself, but you can on the seventh, where there are extra exhibits and such.

Outside, if you walk and face Dealy Plaza, there are marks on the street where President Kennedy was shot, and that is just very, weirdly visceral to me. Seeing that, and the spot in the museum where Oswald was when he fired (that window's blocked off with a glass enclosure, and it's been recreated to look like it would have all those years ago) was kind of chilling.

And then there were the conspiracy/tour guide people outside, one of whom was a young woman wearing a pink suit that was reminiscent of the one Jackie Kennedy wore that day, which ranked very high on the That is Kinda Wrong scale for me.

I ended up going to the library on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I got to go back to the Writer's Workshop. Yesterday, I had planned on going to this museum up near the airport, or to the wax museum, but I drove past and just... couldn't get it in me to actually go in. (Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.)

And yesterday, I lost my keys walking Pepper. At some point, I dropped them or they fell out of my Spibelt, and I was freaking out hardcore, because that would've made it THREE TIMES that I've lost keys while walking/running in the past two and a half years. I seriously do not understand how, throughout my entire childhood and adolescence, I never lost my keys but this happens. As I started retracing my steps, I ran into a couple on the trail, and I asked if they'd seen keys. About ten minutes later, my mom drove down and we started patrolling the area, and this other woman showed up. She said that some kids had found them and asked her if the keys were hers, and she was just starting down the trail as the couple who had helped me at first were.

So yeah, super-grateful to those kids and to the lady on the trail who ran into them.

Finally: I went to the doctor last week because I had this strange rash appear on my chest, leg, and lower back. Apparently, it is pityriasis rosea, and it's supposed to go away in about six weeks or so. I need it to kind of go now, because random spots of it are itching like crazy and I am thisclose to scratching/rubbing myself to death. I do not understand how it's 2014 and doctors still don't know exactly where this thing comes from. How does that happen?!

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Current Mood: listless
Current Music: "Maps"--Maroon 5
 
 
Candice with an I
30 June 2014 @ 10:29 am
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Candice with an I
Sometimes you read a book and you kind of fundamentally know it's not good, but there's something about it that appeases you. It's kind of like powering through fan fic that has some questionable characterization just so that you can get to the hot and steamy parts of it.

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Current Mood: weird
 
 
Candice with an I
I AM SO EXCITED THAT AGENT CARTER GOT PICKED UP, YOU GUYS. I want it to be September already. I wonder if it means that there will be previews of it during Comic-Con?

Speaking of conventions: I only learned last night that this weekend was Dallas Comic-Con. One day I will go to a convention. One day.

Anyway.

Last minute strokes of genius are the best. I ended up working late Thursday--like, we got out after midnight late--and I was exhausted and couldn't even think of any theme for my show on Friday. I was so tired that all I did was write a note that was basically "play whatever you want, just add the music to your folder in the morning." When I got up, I was in between doing "anything goes", which is kind of a cheat in my opinion, and "80s Day". Just when I started raking through my folders, I started thinking of a variation: why not mix 80s songs with songs by people born in the 80s? And eventually I ditched the general 80s-ness and went with "Made in the 80s", and the results can be viewed here. (follow me and send suggestions, feedback, and etc, if you'd like!)

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. It went pretty well, and I actually feel good for asking some questions about general things that I hadn't asked about before. (ADULTING!) I did have to get some blood drawn, and I was doing fine until I happened to glance over after everything was done and I got kind of faint at the sight of the vials. Well, not faint, but really lightheaded and it felt weird. That has never happened to me before.

The other thing was that I really not happy with my weight. But I'm gonna save that for a later day, 'cause I don't want to get super-into it right now.

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Current Mood: okay
 
 
Candice with an I
15 April 2014 @ 08:49 pm
Tomorrow I'm going to do job stuff (as in, looking up and calling places), and maybe go see The Winter Soldier in IMAX. And hopefully, I will no longer feel like my allergies are trying to kill me.

This is the first day in about a WEEK that I have not wanted to have my sinuses extracted. I apparently live in a medium-high pollen area, and after years of lying dormant, my allergies have flared up in a GLORIOUS AND AMAZING WAY. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night hacking and wheezing and coughing so hard that you actually make yourself barf.

Yeah. That happened to me at work last Saturday.

In front of a customer.

This makes the second time in my life that I can remember vomiting in public. (The other time happened in high school--I mention it VERY early on in this journal, actually. Oh God, that was in 2002.)

In non-nasty news: I have about... ten or so episodes of Scandal to catch up on if I want to watch the finale on Thursday. My mom mainlined the second season on Netflix a few weeks ago. She was about halfway done with it, but honest to God, I went to work at like two in the afternoon and when I got home at midnight, she was finished. Even more shocking: while she was gone back to Durham, apparently she discovered that my grandma--my 80-something year old grandma!--loves it too.

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Current Mood: blah
 
 
Candice with an I
04 April 2014 @ 08:24 pm
This is one of those times when I wish that my LJ/DW f-list people were more active like they were in ye days of olde, because I have so many thoughts about The Winter Soldier and they will surely get lost in the fray if I post them only on Tumblr.

ANYWAY.

I went to the double feature at AMC, and all the people there got posters and a shield pass, which was nice. The theater wasn't full, maybe anywhere from 50-60%, a good amount for a Thursday advance for a movie like this.

I compiled some of my tweets (plus other things) going back to March, re: the movie. I learned how to use Storify for this!Collapse )

I will definitely have thoughts/etc tomorrow.

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Current Mood: ecstatic